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I feel so tired…

September 8, 2011

A little rant I wrote. It might turn into a character later.

I feel so tired…

I feel so tired recently.  When I meditate, when I go down, down, down into the dark place of myself that’s also full of light (just doublethink it), I float, I fall asleep. Sometimes I get trapped down there. I can’t move or call out or anything.  Sometimes I don’t mind–most of the time I don’t mind.  It’s very peaceful, in the black.  When I wake, it feels like when you pull yourself out of a swimming pool’s deep end, but in slow motion: your hands splayed on the wet concrete, your mouth open to suck in air, water dripping from your hair, your face, your shoulders, your head.  It’s a nice fresh feeling, an affirmation of youthful life, like the smell on the wind after a rain. A gasp.

Other times though and in more recent times, getting up is not so easy.  I feel so tired.  I feel the weight of my limbs.  They’re hunks of meat and skin and cells that are so, so heavy.  I have to will my animation to take control, to carry all that bone and muscle and tissue, to defy the constant alluring tug of gravity.  I do it every day, we walk about everyday without noticing how heavy we are, how much effort it takes to move when we could all just lie still in the black and never lift the heaviness.  It takes so much effort.  But eventually I do push my soul or will or what have you into my body, from the tips of my fingers to the crown of my head to my tiniest toe.  I get up.

But right now I feel so tired.  I wake up and I’m still tired.  Still vaguely aware of how much effort it’s taking to walk, talk, focus, think: to live.

Lately I’ve been thinking maybe if I slept for a whole year, maybe if I just pulled a Snow White or Sleeping Beauty then everything would be better when I wake up.  My friends would be back, the world would be more fair, this whole pressure to be in a relationship with some male would pass by like the Santa Anna wind.  Maybe I would stop being heartsick.  Maybe I wouldn’t be so tired.  Maybe I would want more than to sleep.

For example, this whole thing is in mostly uncoded prose because I’m too tired to make it into a poem.

I feel so tired.


From → Fiction

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